Why We're Scared to Death of Having Real Conversations with Our Adult Kids
Yesterday I had a conversation with a life-long friend. She’s spent decades perfecting the art of being a "good mom", you know the one who never says no, never disappoints, and certainly never rocks the boat. But now like many of us whose "babies" are grown, she’s sitting there frustrated and wondering why every conversation feels like she’s walking on eggshells while her kids seem perfectly comfortable making demands, sharing their opinions about her life choices, and never asking “How are you doing Mom”.
Sound familiar? Yeah, I thought so.
My question to her was why not talk to her about how you’ve been feeling. You know adult to adult…And I could truly relate to her reply of “I’m afraid of what she might say”. And we are not alone.
The Fear That Keeps Us Silent
Here's what nobody talks about: Too many midlife parents are absolutely terrified of our adult children's reactions. Not because we're weak, but because we've been conditioned to believe that a good mother never makes her children uncomfortable – even when those "children" are 25, 30, or pushing 40.
We're afraid they'll get angry. We're afraid they'll pull away. We're afraid they'll think we're being selfish (God forbid!). Most of all, we're afraid they'll withhold what we desperately want – their love, their approval, their presence in our lives.
But here's the kicker: our silence isn't protecting the relationship. It's slowly poisoning it.
When the Past Haunts the Present
Maybe you're carrying guilt from your earlier parenting years. Maybe you worked too much, divorced their father, struggled with your own issues, or made choices you now regret. That guilt becomes a weapon we turn on ourselves, convincing us we don't have the right to set boundaries or express needs now.
"I missed their soccer games, so I can't say no to babysitting every weekend."
"I got divorced, so I can't tell them their constant criticism of my new relationship is hurtful."
"I wasn't perfect, so I don't deserve to have my own needs met."
Stop. Just stop.
Your past mistakes don't sentence you to a lifetime of emotional servitude. You were doing the best you could with what you knew then. That doesn't mean you forfeit your right to be treated with respect now.
The Taking Without Giving Dynamic
Our conversation forced me to address the elephant in the room – that gnawing feeling she had that all her adult kids do is take. They need money for this, help with that, childcare, emotional support, career advice, or just a place to crash. But the biggest thing she was struggling with was the reality that she couldn’t remember when the last time they asked how SHE was doing? When did they last offer to help HER with something?
It wasn’t about keeping score, but it was about recognizing an imbalanced relationship. Healthy adult relationships – even between parents and children – involve mutual care and consideration. If you feel like an emotional and financial ATM rather than a whole person with your own needs, that's a problem worth addressing.
Why We Can't Share Our Needs
Somewhere along the way, we internalized the message that good mothers are selfless to the point of self-erasure. We learned to anticipate everyone else's needs while completely ignoring our own. We became so good at this disappearing act that we often don't even know what our needs ARE anymore.
When your adult child calls complaining, you listen patiently. But when you're feeling lonely or overwhelmed, you keep it to yourself because "they have their own problems."
When they need financial help, you stretch your budget. But you don't mention that you're worried about your own retirement because "they're struggling right now."
This isn't noble. It's not martyrdom. It's a dysfunctional pattern that serves no one well.
The Real Conversation We Need to Have
I shared with my friend that I believed we all needed to start treating our adult children like the adults they are. That means having honest conversations about expectations, boundaries, and mutual respect.
Yes, it's going to feel uncomfortable at first. Yes, they might push back. Yes, they might accuse you of being selfish or changing the rules mid-game. But here's what you need to understand, their discomfort with your newfound honesty is not your responsibility to manage.
So what do you do? How do you have real conversations that are healthy?
Practical Steps to Start the Conversation
Start small. You don't need to have a three-hour family meeting. Begin with minor boundary-setting. "I'm not available to babysit this weekend because I have plans" is a complete sentence.
Use "I" statements. Instead of "You always expect me to drop everything," try "I feel overwhelmed when I'm asked to help without much notice."
Be specific about what you need. "I need you to call before coming over" or "I need our conversations to be more balanced – I'd love to hear about your life AND share what's happening in mine."
Prepare for pushback and don't take it personally. Change is hard for everyone. Their initial resistance isn't about you being wrong; it's about them adjusting to a new dynamic.
Stay consistent. Don't set a boundary one day and abandon it the next because you feel guilty. Consistency builds respect.
The Gift You're Actually Giving
Here's something that might surprise you: when you start having these honest conversations, you're actually giving your adult children a gift. You're modeling what healthy adult relationships look like. You're showing them that people in relationships have needs, boundaries, and expectations – and that's normal and healthy.
You're also giving them the opportunity to step up and be the caring, considerate adults you raised them to be. Many adult children don't realize they've fallen into taking patterns because no one has ever called them on it.
Your Needs Matter Too
This advice isn't about becoming a demanding, difficult person. It's about recognizing that you're a whole human being with valid needs, feelings, and limits. Your decades of caregiving and self-sacrifice have earned you the right to be honest about what you need now.
You deserve relationships, even with your adult children, where you feel seen, valued, and respected. You deserve to have conversations that aren't just about what you can do for them, but about mutual care and connection.
The Bottom Line
The conversation you're avoiding isn't going to get easier with time. That resentment you're carrying isn't going to magically disappear. Those patterns that leave you feeling drained and taken for granted will only get more entrenched if you don't address them.
Your adult children can handle the truth. They can handle having a mother who has needs and boundaries. What they can't handle, and what will ultimately damage your relationship, is the growing distance that comes from your silent resentment and their oblivious taking.
It's time to stop being afraid of having real conversations with the people you love most. It's time to stop protecting everyone else's comfort at the expense of your own authenticity.
You raised them to be adults. Now it's time to treat them like the adults they are and to start acting like the whole, valuable person you've always been, even when you forgot.
The conversation starts with you. And you're stronger than you think.
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~Judy Davis is a motivational speaker, published author and Veteran Caregiver who shares candid stories, transformative mindset shifts, and practical strategies to help midlife women navigate the unexpected twists of life.