Stop Being Everyone’s Everything: How Midlife Women Can Learn to Choose Themselves

When was the last time you made a decision – a real, meaningful decision – based purely on what made YOU excited? Not what your kids needed, not what your partner expected, not what your aging parents required, but what genuinely lit you up from the inside?

If you're drawing a blank or feeling a twinge of guilt just thinking about it, you're not alone.

The Exhausting Reality of Always Putting Others First

Here's the thing about being a midlife woman: somewhere along the way, we became everyone's emotional support system, calendar coordinator, problem solver, and general go-to person for... well, everything. And while there's beauty in being needed and loved, there's also a quiet exhaustion that seeps in when you realize you've been running on empty for years.

You know that feeling when someone asks what YOU want for dinner and your brain just... freezes? Because you've spent so long automatically thinking about everyone else's preferences that your own have become background noise?

Yeah, that. That's what we need to talk about.

Consider this your official permission slip to start making decisions based on what you want. Not selfish decisions – let's be clear about that – but decisions that honor the fact that you're a whole person with dreams, desires, and needs that matter just as much as everyone else's. (Yeah that was a hard pill for me to swallow too).

Nobody tells you when you consistently ignore what you want, that light, that desire, that passion starts to dim. And a dimmed version of you isn't serving anyone well, least of all yourself.

What Does "Lighting Up" Even Look Like Anymore?

Maybe it's been so long since you checked in with yourself that you're not even sure what brings you joy anymore. And that's okay. Actually, it's more than okay – it's completely normal for those of us who've spent decades in some form of a caretaking role. For a VERY LONG time that was me, and the putting myself last just looked different every time my caretaker role transformed.

If you want to discover what actually lights you up, start small. Notice the moments when you feel a spark of excitement, even if it’s tiny:

• That art class you keep seeing advertised

• The solo trip you've been secretly researching

• The career pivot you've been too scared to voice out loud

• The hobby you abandoned when life got "too busy"

• The time alone you have been craving

• The friendship that energizes rather than drains you

These aren't frivolous wants. They're breadcrumbs leading you back to yourself.

The Ripple Effect

When you start making decisions based on what lights you up: everyone around you benefits too. Your kids see a mother who values herself. Your partner experiences a woman who's vibrant and engaged. Your friends witness someone who's brave enough to claim her own life.

You become a lighthouse, not a life raft. And isn’t that the actual goal. But how do you get there from where you are at right now?

Practical Steps to Start Choosing Yourself First

1. The Morning Check-In: Before your feet hit the floor, ask yourself: "What would make me excited about today?" Even if you can't act on it immediately, acknowledging it matters.

2. The Small Yes: Start saying yes to tiny things that bring you joy. That fancy coffee, that 15-minute walk alone, that book you've been wanting to read.

3. The Boundary Experiment: Try saying "Let me think about it" before automatically agreeing to requests. Use that pause to ask: "Does this light me up or drain me?"

4. The Joy Journal: Keep a simple note on your phone. When something makes you feel genuinely happy or excited, jot it down. Read it at night right before you go to sleep. Not only will you feel better, but patterns will emerge.

5. The Support Squad: Find other women who get it (and if you don’t have someone local, join our community on social media @Judy.Davis55 on IG and @Mental.Health.Mentor on Tiktok). Having cheerleaders who understand this journey makes all the difference.

It's Not Too Late

If you're reading this thinking, "But I'm too set in my ways," or "My family won't understand," let me stop you right there. It's never too late to start honoring what is important to you. Your life isn't a dress rehearsal, and you don't get bonus points for being a martyr.

Yes, there will be resistance – both internal and external. Yes, it will feel uncomfortable at first. Yes, some people might not understand initially. But here's what I know for sure: the cost of continuing to put yourself after everyone else is far greater than the temporary discomfort of learning to shine again.

Your dreams matter. Your joy matters. What lights you up matters.

And it's time to start making decisions like you believe it.

Start Today, Start Small, But Start

You don't have to overhaul your entire life overnight. But you do need to start somewhere. Today, make one tiny decision based on your dreams, passions, wants or needs. Tomorrow, make another.

Watch what happens when you stop being everyone's everything and start being your own something.

Because the world needs the version of you that's lit up from the inside out. We all do.

So, what's it going to be? What lights you up? And more importantly, when are you going to start choosing it?

_______

~Judy Davis is a motivational speaker, published author and mental health mentor that helps people escape the "I'm Fine" trap with contagious energy, zero filter, and a toolkit that turns burned-out givers into joyful boundary-setters who finally put themselves on their own damn to-do list!

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