My Top 5 Strategies for the Marriage You Want in Midlife
The idea that a good marriage just "flows naturally" after decades together is complete bullshit.
You know what I'm talking about. That myth that once you hit your stride as a couple, everything becomes easier. That you'll just know how to navigate the teenage years, aging parents, career changes, health scares, and all the other curveballs life throws at you because you've been together so long.
After 34 years of marriage, I'm here to tell you that's not how it works. My husband and I didn't magically become relationship experts just because we said "I do" in 1991. We've been through job losses, teenage rebellion, our parent’s battles with cancer, our father's and his mother’s deaths, financial hardship, military life and ultimately his catastrophic injury in 2019. And yes, there were periods where we honestly weren't sure we even liked each other anymore.
But here's what I've learned: the couples who make it aren't the ones who avoid the hard stuff. They're the ones who decide, again and again, to show up and figure it out together.
The Secrets to a Long-Term Healthy Marriage
A strong marriage starts with having conversations you’ve been avoiding…
Stop pretending everything is fine when it's not. Last month, I finally told my husband that his habit of doing a project and then leaving pieces of it around the house been driving me crazy for years. You know what happened? He picked things up. That's it. No drama, no fight, just a simple conversation I should have had a long time ago.
Everything isn’t going to get fixed overnight, so start small. Pick one thing that's been bothering you and talk about it. Not in an accusatory way, but in an "I need to share something with you" way. You'll be amazed how many issues disappear when you stop expecting your partner to read your mind.
Another fact is that your marriage needs different things now than it did at 25
This one hit me hard during our 30th anniversary year. I kept trying to recreate the spontaneous romance of our early years, the surprise weekend trips, the staying up all night talking. But we're different people now. He needs more downtime. I need more structure. We both need earlier bedtimes and we're okay with that.
The romance looks different now. It's him carrying my plate without me asking. It's me not rolling my eyes when he wants to spend three hours researching the "best" lawn mower online. It's choosing to see these everyday gestures as love languages instead of taking them for granted.
And most importantly, you have to choose your marriage over and over again
Long-term marriage is not one decision you make at the altar. It's a thousand tiny decisions you make every single day. Do I choose grace or grudges? Do I choose curiosity about his perspective or do I assume I already know what he's thinking? Do I choose to work on this together or do I choose to be right?
At some point many years ago, I had almost chosen to leave. I had the whole thing planned out. What stopped me wasn't some romantic notion about "forever" nor was it the kids. It was asking myself one simple question: "Am I running toward something better, or am I just running away from the work?"
The truth, I was just running away from the work. So I unpacked the bags and got to work instead. And because we did the work, I now have a fulfilling and authentically loving relationship with my best friend.
My Top 5 Strategies for the Marriage You Want in Midlife
1. Stop Trying to Change Each Other, Start Changing How You Respond
After 34 years, my husband still leaves piles instead that he’ll “get to”. I still interrupt him when he's telling stories and talk alot. We've accepted these things about each other and learned to work around them. The energy I used to waste trying to fix him, I now spend on managing my own reactions.
2. Schedule the Hard Conversations
We have a monthly "Business" meeting. Sounds formal, but it works. We sit down with coffee and talk about everything from finances to priorities on the homestead to future plans. Having a designated time means we don't let resentments build up, and we don't blindside each other with big topics at 10 PM on a Tuesday.
3. Protect Your Couple Time Like It's Sacred
We pick a regular weekly time that is ours. No kids (they're adults now anyway), no friends, no errands. Sometimes we go out, sometimes we stay in, but we're together and we're present. This week it was a few hours walking our entire 40 acre property (which included another 13 acres that we recently acquired) We put away the phones, were awed by the beauty and how far we have come from the days we could barely pay for groceries, heck we even talked to each other. Novel concept, right?
4. Remember You're on the Same Team
When conflicts and big emotions arise, and they will, the question isn't "How do I win this argument or why don’t they ever get it?" It's "How do we solve this problem together?" This shift in perspective changes everything. Instead of keeping score, you start strategizing together.
5. Give Each Other Permission to Grow
The woman I am at 58 is not the woman he married at 23. Thank God. And the man he is now isn't the same person either. We've given each other space to evolve, to discover new interests, to change our minds about things. Growing apart isn't inevitable if you choose to grow in the same direction.
Here's how I want you to start thinking about yourself: You're not just surviving your marriage—you're building it.
You're not a victim of circumstances or a passenger in your own relationship. You're the co-CEO of a partnership that spans decades, and you get to decide what that partnership looks like moving forward.
As a midlife woman I encourage you to prioritize you marriage Make the strategic decision to invest in something that can provide decades of companionship, support, and yes, even passion.
You've earned the right to demand the relationship you want. You've put in the years, weathered the storms, and learned what really matters. Now use that wisdom to create something even better.
Your marriage doesn't have to be perfect. It just has to be intentional.
And if you're reading this thinking, "But Judy, what if we're too far gone?", remember this: I've seen couples turn things around after 40 years together. It's never too late to start having better conversations, making different choices, and choosing each other again.
The question isn't whether your marriage can change. The question is: Are you willing to do the work to change it?
Because, you didn't come this far to only come this far.
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~Judy Davis is a motivational speaker, published author and Veteran Caregiver who shares candid stories, transformative mindset shifts, and practical strategies to help midlife women navigate the unexpected twists of life.