Midlife Hit and You Have No Idea Who You Are: How to Figure Out What Actually Matters
This might sting a little: You've been living someone else's version of what matters.
Maybe it's your mother's idea of success, your ex's definition of worthy, or society's exhausting checklist of what a "good woman" should prioritize. But here's the thing about midlife, it's like a cosmic alarm clock going off, demanding you finally ask: What do I actually want to invest in and make mine?
The Magic You've Been Missing
You know what your days look like right now. Making dinner no one thanks you for. Folding the same damn laundry over and over. Working a job that leaves you exhausted and unfulfilled. Everything blurs together into this endless loop of stuff that needs doing, and somewhere along the way? You just... disappeared.
Here's the thing though: you can actually make magic out of all this ordinary crap. I'm not talking about Instagram magic or that "find joy in every moment" bullshit they try to sell you. I mean real magic. Like when you're loading the dishwasher for the millionth time and suddenly notice how pretty the light looks hitting those wine glasses. Or realizing that your drive to Target with the music cranked is literally the only ten minutes all day when you feel like yourself.
It's about looking at your regular, boring life and finally saying, "You know what? This moment right here? It's mine. And it matters because I'm done pretending it doesn't."
Put Your Stake in the Ground
Isn’t it time to stop asking "What should matter?" and start asking "What does matter to me?"
Because somewhere between raising kids, building careers, managing households, and keeping everyone else happy, you forgot that you get a vote. You get THE vote. You're not a passenger in your own life, even though you've been acting like one.
How to Figure Out What Actually Matters (No BS Version)
1. Notice What You Defend
What makes you bristle when someone criticizes it? What do you find yourself protecting, even when it seems silly? That's a clue. Your defensiveness is your inner wisdom saying, "Hey, this thing? It's important to me."
2. Track Your Energy
Forget what you think should energize you. What actually does? When do you lose track of time? When do you feel most like yourself? Stop dismissing these moments as frivolous, they're breadcrumbs leading you home to yourself. (For help tracking your energy you might like this post)
3. Audit Your Resentments
What are you doing that makes you feel bitter? What commitments drain you? This isn't about becoming selfish, it's about becoming selective. Your resentments are showing you exactly what doesn't belong in your "matters" column.
4. Ask the Deathbed Question (But Make It Practical)
Instead of "What will I regret not doing?" ask "What am I already regretting not prioritizing?" Because the answers are probably right in front of you. All you need to do is give them permission to matter.
The Permission You Don't Need
Here's the part that might make you uncomfortable: You don't need anyone's permission to decide what matters in your life.
Not your partner's. Not your kids'. Not your friends'. Not mine.
You can decide that cooking elaborate meals doesn't matter to you, even if Martha Stewart disagrees. You can decide that a perfectly organized closet does matter to you, even if Marie Kondo isn't trending anymore. You can invest your time, energy, and attention in whatever fills your tank instead of draining it.
Start Small, Start Now
Pick one thing today. One mundane, ordinary thing that you're going to claim as important simply because you say so. Maybe it's the way you arrange flowers from your garden. Maybe it's your 20-minute walk around the neighborhood. Maybe it's saying no to dinner plans because you'd rather stay home and watch true crime documentaries.
Put your stake in the ground and say: "This matters."
Not because it's productive. Not because it serves anyone else. Not because it looks good on paper.
Because it's yours.
The Bottom Line
Midlife isn't about finding yourself—you're not lost. It's about finally admitting what you've known all along: you get to choose what gets your best energy, your precious time, your full attention.
So stop waiting for someone to tell you it's okay to care about what you care about. Stop apologizing for your priorities. Stop living like you're still auditioning for a part you've already been cast in.
Your life is not a rough draft.
Make it count. Make it yours. Make it matter—because you said so.
Now stop reading blogs and go claim something that's been waiting for you to notice how much it matters.
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~Judy Davis is a motivational speaker, published author and Veteran Caregiver who shares candid stories, transformative mindset shifts, and practical strategies to help midlife women navigate the unexpected twists of life.