Midlife Women Are Finally Speaking Up About Sexual Health (And What Partners Need to Hear)
Let's talk about what really matters when it comes to intimacy after 40
Now that we have broken the stigma for talking about women and what menopause really looks like, we're finally ready for other conversations that should have started decades ago. As midlife women isn’t it time we started speaking up about our sexual health, challenging outdated narratives, and demanding the intimacy we all deserve. But here's the thing, many partners are still operating with incomplete information, outdated assumptions, or simply haven't been part of these evolving conversations.
And it’s time to get them on board!
If you're a woman reading this, you might find yourself nodding along, thinking "Yes! This is exactly what I wish my partner understood." If you're a partner of a midlife woman, consider this your invitation into a deeper understanding of what's really happening with the woman you love. I’m hoping to take this hush hush topic and shed some light. There are books about puberty, there are classes and videos that talk about what it feels like to become a woman, so let’s talk about the flip side. What I’ve learned about what’s happening with me and my body was eye opening and as a midlife truth teller, I know it is something we should all be talking about.
What you need to know…
1. Our Bodies Are Going Through Real, Physical Changes, And They're Not Our Fault
What's happening: During perimenopause and menopause, declining estrogen levels cause significant changes to our vaginal tissue. The walls become thinner, less elastic, and produce less natural lubrication. This isn't about being "less turned on", it's basic biology.
What this means: What used to work effortlessly might now require more time, patience, and yes, probably some high-quality lubricant. The woman who could be ready in moments might now need 20-30 minutes of foreplay. This isn't a reflection of our desire for you or our enjoyment, it's our bodies adapting to all the hormonal changes.
What partners need to know: Stop taking longer warm-up time personally. Instead, see it as an opportunity to slow down and truly savor intimacy together. Invest in good water-based or silicone-based lubricants (seriously, don't cheap out here). And please, for Pete’s sake, don't suggest she's "just not trying hard enough" to get aroused.
Bottom line: Her body isn't broken, it's changing. Your patience and understanding during this transition can actually deepen her trust and improve your intimacy.
2. Our Relationship with Our Body Is Even More Complicated Than Usual (sigh…)
What's happening: Midlife ramps up an already complex relationship with our body image. No it’s not just comparing ourselves to the younger generation, or the magazine ads, we are often dealing with weight changes, skin changes, energy fluctuations, and a society that basically pretends women over 50 don't have sexual needs or desires. Add in hot flashes, night sweats, and potentially feeling "invisible" in other areas of our life, and you've got someone who might be struggling with their self image, confidence and most of all how she sees herself.
What this means: Your partner might need more reassurance than ever before. She needs you to tell her she is beautiful and attractive to you. A slide of hand across her back as you walk by will do wonders. She might want the lights off when she never cared before. She might feel self-conscious about things that never bothered her in her 30s. It’s not vanity, but rather the complicated mental chatter that goes along with processing significant life changes while being bombarded with anti-aging messages everywhere we look.
What partners need to know: Your genuine appreciation of her body, all of it, exactly as it is right now, matters more than you realize. Tell her specifically what you love about her. Touch her with intention and appreciation, not just as a pit stop on the way to somewhere else. And if she wants to walk to the washroom with a robe or bedsheet covering her, that's not a reflection on you, it’s about her comfort.
Bottom line: Make her feel desired for who she is right now, not who she was 20 years ago.
3. We Wants Pleasure, Not Just Participation
What's happening: Here's what many midlife women are realizing: they've spent decades focusing on their partner's pleasure while putting their own on the back burner. Whether due to cultural messaging, time constraints with young children, or simply not knowing what they wanted, many women reach midlife ready to prioritize their own sexual satisfaction. And a partner who gives them space to do that will reap the benefits 10 fold.
What this means: Truth be told, midlife women are less willing to fake it, rush through it, or settle for "good enough." We want orgasms, yes, plural. We wants to explore what feels good to our body now, which might be different from what worked before. And we are done with preforming sex (you know like Meg Ryan’s epic performance at the cafe in When Harry Met Sally - yeah we’re not doing that). We are ready for pleasurable sex, that is fun, respectful and good for the both of us.
What partners need to know: Pleasurable sex is fantastic for both of you! A woman who knows what she wants and isn't afraid to ask for it? That's your roadmap to better sex. Ask her what feels good. Pay attention to her responses. Be willing to try new things or spend more time on activities that work for her body now. You won’t regret it.
Bottom line: Pleasure isn't optional or secondary, for either of you, it's the whole point isn’t it.
The Real Talk
The truth is, many midlife women are having the best sex of their lives once they learn about, understand and work through these transitions. They know their bodies better, they're clearer about their desires, and they're done wasting time on mediocre intimacy.
But we need partners who are willing to learn, adapt, and prioritize mutual pleasure over old scripts about how sex "should" work. This isn't about accommodating limitations, it's about evolving together toward something potentially more satisfying than what you had before.
Your Next Steps
For women: Share this with your partner if it resonates. Start the conversations. You deserve pleasure and intimacy at every stage of life.
For partners: Ask questions. Listen without getting defensive. Invest in good lubricant (my favorite*) and longer foreplay. Most importantly, approach this transition with curiosity rather than frustration.
For everyone: Remember that great sex at any age requires communication, patience, and mutual respect. The couples who talk openly about these changes often end up with more satisfying intimate lives than they had in their younger years.
What would you add to this list? What do you wish your partner understood about midlife sexual health? Share your thoughts in the comments—let's keep this important conversation going.
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~Judy Davis is a motivational speaker, published author and Veteran Caregiver who shares candid stories, transformative mindset shifts, and practical strategies to help midlife women navigate the unexpected twists of life.