You're Not Broken, You're Just Building Something New
You're not supposed to "bounce back."
I know, I know. Everyone keeps telling you how resilient you are, how strong you've been, how you'll get through this just like you've gotten through everything else. They mean well, but they're missing the point entirely.
Bouncing back implies going back to who you were before your life was turned upside down. But here's the thing that person doesn't exist anymore. Whether you lost your spouse, your health, your job, your marriage, or your role as the family caregiver, the life you knew is gone. And pretending you can just spring back to your old self isn't resilience, it's denial.
The truth? You're not broken. You're not behind schedule. You're exactly where someone who's been through what you've been through should be. Which is probably feeling like you're standing in the wreckage of your life wondering what the hell comes next.
So how do you turn things around?
Start so small that it's almost embarrassing.
Forget the vision boards and five-year plans for a minute. Maybe today's victory is that you brushed your teeth before noon. Maybe it's having one conversation without falling apart, or just staying upright for most of the day. These aren't little things to dismiss, they're the actual building blocks of everything that comes next. You can't rebuild life in a day, but you can move forward one step at a time.
You are not your crisis.
Right now, you probably introduce yourself by your situation: "I'm the one taking care of my mom with dementia," or "My husband was just in an explosion," or "I'm the one who just went through the divorce." But underneath that crisis is still the woman who has strong opinions about coffee, who knows every word to songs from the 80s, who used to laugh until her sides hurt. You're not starting from scratch you're remembering who you've always been underneath all the roles you've played for everyone else.
Permission to grieve is not optional.
Here's the big one that'll change everything for me. You cannot build a stable foundation on quicksand, and unprocessed grief is exactly that. Grief is the unstable ground that shifts beneath you every time you try to take a step forward. Stop trying to be grateful for the good parts while ignoring the devastating ones. Feel it all. Cry for what you've lost. Get angry at the unfairness. Miss your old life, even if parts of your new one might be better. Grief isn't the enemy of progress – it's the price of admission to authentic rebuilding.
You're not a victim of circumstances trying to get back to normal. You're designing a life that fits who you're becoming. You get to decide what stays, what goes, and what gets built new. You get to keep the parts of your old life that still serve you and build something entirely different with the rest.
The women who come out the other side of life's biggest disruptions aren't the ones who bounced back fastest. They're the ones who gave themselves permission to fall apart completely, then rebuild deliberately. They're the ones who learned the difference between being strong and being honest about their struggles.
Your timeline is your timeline. Some days you'll feel like you're making real progress. Other days you'll feel like you're back at square one. Both are part of the process, and both are exactly right.
Find your people, the ones who don't flinch when you mention the hard stuff, who don't try to fix you or rush your process. They're out there, probably wondering if they're the only ones who understand what this feels like.
And remember: putting your own oxygen mask on first isn't selfish it's survival. You can't rebuild anything if you collapse from exhaustion, and you can't pour from an empty cup.
You're not broken. You're not behind. You're exactly where you need to be, doing the hardest and most important work of your life. Welcome to the messy, beautiful art of rebuilding – not back to who you were, but forward to who you're becoming.
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~Judy Davis is a motivational speaker, published author and Veteran Caregiver who shares candid stories, transformative mindset shifts, and practical strategies to help midlife women navigate the unexpected twists of life.