The Busyness Badge You Never Asked For: Why Midlife Women Use Chaos as a Shield
Your busyness isn’t a badge of honor, it’s a hiding spot.
I know, I know. You’ve been told your whole life that being busy means you’re important, valuable, needed. That your worth is measured by how many balls you can juggle without dropping them. But here’s the thing no one wants to say out loud: You’re using busyness as a shield to avoid the scariest question of all, “who are you when you’re not doing something for someone else?”
For decades, you’ve defined yourself by your endless to-do list, your packed calendar, your ability to be everything to everyone. But somewhere between soccer practices and board meetings, between caring for aging parents and supporting your spouse’s dreams, you lost track of something crucial: what YOU actually want.
The busyness isn’t just happening to you. You’re choosing it. And until you admit that, nothing changes. But how do you do it?
Start with the 10-Minute Truth
Here’s something you can do today…
Set a timer for 10 minutes and sit still. No phone, no book, no folding laundry. Just sit with yourself and notice what comes up. Is it anxiety? The urge to clean something? A mental list of what you “should” be doing?
That discomfort you feel? That’s not boredom, it’s withdrawal. You’ve been using busyness to avoid feeling whatever’s underneath all that motion.
Your Busyness is Someone Else’s Convenience
Here’s what made me pause when I realized it: Your constant availability and willingness to stay busy serves everyone except you. Your family gets their needs met without having to step up. Your workplace gets someone who never says no. Your community gets a reliable volunteer who’ll handle the tasks no one else wants.
But what do you get? Exhaustion. Resentment. A life that feels like it’s happening to you instead of being chosen by you.
Every time you say “I’m so busy” with that mixture of pride and complaint, you’re really saying “I matter because I’m useful.” But your worth isn’t tied to your productivity. Full stop.
You’re Afraid of Disappointing the Person You Used to Be
You’re not just afraid of disappointing others, you’re terrified of disappointing the version of yourself who believed that being needed was the same as being loved.
That woman who built her identity around being indispensable? She’s scared that if you slow down, people will realize they don’t actually need you as much as you thought. And if they don’t need you, maybe they won’t want you either.
But here’s what that many midlife woman couldn’t see: People don’t love you for what you do. They love you for who you are. And you’ve been so busy doing that you’ve forgotten who that is.
Five Ways to End Busyness and Start Taking Care of Yourself
1. Create “Unavailable” Hours
Choose two hours each week that belong only to you. Not for errands, not for family time, not for catching up on work. Put it on your calendar like any other important appointment. When people ask what you’re doing during that time, practice saying: “I’m not available then.” No explanation needed.
2. Practice the Pause
Before saying yes to anything new, implement a 24-hour rule. “Let me check my calendar and get back to you.” This simple pause gives you space to ask: “Do I actually want to do this, or am I just saying yes because it’s easier than disappointing someone?”
3. Delegate One Thing You’re “Better At”
You know that task you always do because you can do it faster/better than anyone else? Stop it. Yes, someone else might do it differently. Yes, it might not be perfect. But perfectionism is just another way to stay indispensable, and exhausted.
4. Schedule Actual Rest (Not Productivity or Activities)
Real rest isn’t reorganizing your closet or meal prepping. It’s activities that restore you without producing anything. Reading for pleasure. Taking a bath. Staring out the window. If it doesn’t serve anyone else’s agenda, you’re on the right track.
5. Notice Your “Busy” Stories
Pay attention to how often you lead conversations with how busy you are. “I’m swamped,” “I’m running around like crazy,” “There aren’t enough hours in the day.” These phrases aren’t just descriptions, they’re identity statements. Start replacing them with: “I’m choosing to prioritize differently.”
The midlife woman who finds worth in her busyness is operating from scarcity, always trying to prove her value through action. But the woman who chooses her commitments intentionally? She operates from abundance. She knows her worth isn’t up for debate.
This isn’t about becoming lazy or uncaring. It’s about becoming deliberate. It’s about choosing your life instead of letting your life choose you.
You’ve spent years being indispensable to everyone else. Now it’s time to become indispensable to yourself.
The world won’t fall apart if you slow down. But you just might fall back together.
What would change in your life if you stopped wearing busyness like armor? Share your thoughts in the comments—this community of midlife women sees you, understands you, and supports your journey back to yourself.
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~Judy Davis is a motivational speaker, published author and Veteran Caregiver who shares candid stories, transformative mindset shifts, and practical strategies to help midlife women navigate the unexpected twists of life.