Stop Looking for a Mentor: Why Your Best Midlife Mentor Lives Inside Your Own Head
In my blog earlier this week I shared that we’d be starting a conversation about mentorship. Many of us have been running around looking for the perfect mentor like she's hiding behind some magical curtain, when the truth is, you've been sitting on a goldmine of wisdom this whole time.
I get it, we were raised to believe that smart women seek guidance. That humble women don't trust their own judgment. That good women always ask for help before making big decisions. And sure, there's wisdom in seeking counsel, but somewhere along the way we got convinced that our own experience doesn't count for much.
Those of us who’ve been around for more than 40 years have collected PhD-level life experience for decades. Every time we've talked a friend through a crisis, navigated a difficult conversation, or figured out how to stretch a budget until payday that was us being brilliant. We’ve been mentoring everyone else while completely ignoring the most qualified advisor we'll ever have access to: our own damn self.
Exercise: Right now, wherever you are, take a deep breath and ask yourself: "What would I tell my daughter (or best friend, or younger sister) if she were facing my exact situation?" Don't overthink it – just let the answer bubble up.
Write it down, even if it's on a napkin. I'm willing to bet what comes out is wise, kind, and surprisingly clear. That voice? She's been there all along, just waiting for you to stop and listen.
Now here's what might surprise you: You actually have more relevant life experience than most of the "experts" we're told to follow. You've probably navigated career changes, relationship drama, parenting challenges, health scares, financial stress, difficult family dynamics, and at least a few plot twists that weren't in any guidebook. Every single one of those experiences taught you something valuable about what works for YOU.
But here's the revelation that changes everything: External mentors can only give you their recipe for success, which was designed for their life, their personality, their circumstances, and their timeline. Your inner mentor? She knows your real constraints, your actual strengths, your true values, and what genuinely lights you up versus what just looks good on paper. She's been taking detailed notes on your life for years, and she's the only one who really gets the full picture.
Ready to step into your power as your own most trusted advisor? Here's how to unlock that wisdom you've been carrying around:
Take Inventory of Your Bad-assery. I want you to write down five challenging situations you've successfully handled in the past few years. Maybe it was helping an aging parent, changing careers, surviving a divorce, or just keeping your family fed and functional during a particularly rough patch. For each situation, write down what strengths you used and what you learned. This isn't bragging, it’s recognizing your track record of being remarkably capable.
Schedule Sacred Time with Yourself. Every Sunday, spend 15 minutes with a cup of something warm and ask yourself three questions: "What's working beautifully in my life right now?" "What needs a gentle adjustment?" and "What's one small, doable step I can take this week toward something that matters to me?" Put this appointment with yourself on your calendar and guard it like you would any other important meeting.
Become a Student of Your Own Patterns. Start paying attention to when you feel most like yourself, confident, clear, energized, versus when you feel scattered or anxious. Your inner mentor is constantly collecting data about what conditions help you thrive and what situations drain your soul. She's incredibly smart about this stuff if you start listening.
Honor Your Instant Reactions. That immediate gut response you have to opportunities, people, or decisions? That's decades of experience speaking in shorthand. Your inner mentor has processed all your past experiences in milliseconds and given you valuable intel. Stop talking yourself out of those instincts just because you can't immediately explain them.
Be Gentle with Your Learning Curve. The best mentors combine high expectations with deep compassion. When you stumble (and we all do), your inner mentor doesn't tear you apart – she helps you dust off, figure out what happened, and adjust course. She reminds you that mistakes are just expensive education, not evidence that you're failing at life.
Trusting yourself doesn't just make you happier, it dramatically reduces the stress that comes from constantly second-guessing every decision. When you know you can handle whatever comes up, you stop living in the exhausting space of "What if I choose wrong?" Instead, you operate from "I'll make the best choice I can with what I know now, and I'm smart enough to adjust as I learn more."
You're not lost. You're not behind schedule. You're not missing some secret manual that everyone else got. You're a midlife woman with a wealth of real-world experience, finely tuned instincts, and hard-earned wisdom that can't be taught in any classroom.
Your inner mentor has been patiently waiting for you to remember she exists. She's been quietly taking notes through every victory and every spectacular face-plant, building your personalized playbook for a life that actually fits who you are, not who you think you should be.
So maybe it's time to stop looking for someone else to validate your choices and start having regular coffee dates with the wisest woman you know. Trust me – you’ve got some excellent advice, and I bet she’s been dying to share it with you.
What decision have you been putting off that your inner mentor already has thoughts about? Pour yourself something delicious and ask her – I bet she's got some surprisingly good ideas.
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~Judy Davis is a motivational speaker, published author and Veteran Caregiver who shares candid stories, transformative mindset shifts, and practical strategies to help midlife women navigate the unexpected twists of life.