Stop Being Everyone's Rock (Before It Crushes You)
I am the “strong one” in the family: that title can cost you everything you think you know about yourself.
Six years ago, I was the woman who had it all figured out. I was the military spouse, the organizer, the one everyone leaned on. I wore my ability to handle anything like a badge of honor. Then Geoff’s accident happened, and suddenly I wasn’t just managing everyone else’s needs, I was drowning in them.
If you’re reading this and thinking, “But I *am* the strong one, that’s just who I am,” I need you to sit down for what I’m about to say. Because that identity you’ve built? It’s not serving you the way you think it is.
3 Things I’d Tell My Younger Self
Start Saying “I Don’t Know” More Often
The first thing I’d tell my younger self is this:
Stop pretending you have all the answers before you’ve even heard the questions.
When people asked me how I was handling Geoff’s care, I’d immediately launch into logistics, doctors, therapies, schedules. But the truth? Half the time I had no clue what I was doing. I was making it up as I went along, just like everyone else.
The next time someone asks you about a challenging situation, start with “I don’t know” before you problem-solve. Watch how it changes the conversation. Watch how it changes the pressure you put on yourself.
Your Emergency Fund Isn’t Just About Money
Here’s what made me pause when I finally understood it: You need an emotional emergency fund, not just a financial one.
I had savings. I had insurance. I had plans A through Z for every possible scenario, except the one where *I* would be the one who needed saving.
When Geoff got hurt, I burned through my emotional reserves faster than we burned through our medical savings. I had no backup plan for my own breakdown, no emergency protocol for when the caregiver becomes the one who needs care.
You can’t withdraw strength from an empty account. And, if you’re anything like I was, you’ve been overdrawn for years without realizing it.
You Are Not Responsible for Everyone’s Comfort
This is the one that changes everything, so pay attention: Your job is not to make sure everyone else feels okay about the hard things happening in your life.
For months after Geoff’s accident, I found myself managing not just his pain, but everyone else’s discomfort with it. I was protecting our friends from feeling awkward, our family from feeling helpless, our kids from feeling scared.
I was so busy being the shock absorber for everyone else’s emotions that I never dealt with my own.
The truth that took me 4 years to learn? When you try to be everyone’s emotional safety net, you become no one’s, including your own. People don’t need you to manage their feelings about your crisis. They need you to model how to survive one.
You are not the woman who handles everything perfectly. You are the woman who handles everything honestly.
The difference isn’t small, it’s revolutionary.
The woman who handles everything perfectly is always one crisis away from complete breakdown. She’s performing strength instead of building it. She’s so busy being indispensable that she forgets she’s also irreplaceable.
But the woman who handles everything honestly? She asks for help before she’s desperate. She admits when she’s scared. She lets other people be uncomfortable with her reality because she’s too busy living it to manage their feelings about it.
Six years ago, I thought my value came from being the one everyone could count on. Today I know my value comes from being the one who shows others it’s okay to be human in the hard moments.
Your situation isn’t coming to destroy the woman you’ve built yourself to be. It’s coming to reveal the woman you actually are underneath all that performing.
And trust me—she’s so much stronger than the one you’ve been pretending to be.
What would you tell your younger self about preparing for the unexpected? Share in the comments, your insight might be exactly what another woman needs to hear today.
_____
~Judy Davis is a motivational speaker, published author and Veteran Caregiver who shares candid stories, transformative mindset shifts, and practical strategies to help midlife women navigate the unexpected twists of life.